I Do Not Get It, Part 1

My BFF is an alcoholic. He is a “member” of a club that does not have a group conscience. His sponsor, is the treasurer, provides all the refreshments, and makes all the decisions for the group. He holds 2 meetings a day there, and it is listed as a “group” in the directory.

The meetings are “open”. Addicts and alcoholics go to these “AA” meetings and talk about drugs and alcohol.

Tonight my BFF tells me that this “addict” guy has asked him to take him through the steps.

I mistakenly said – “Well maybe he IS alcoholic – you can help him find out”. My BFF said “What does it matter? We don’t judge.” I just stopped talking at that moment. Forget it. Whatever these people are doing it is not what I do. They may use the AA Big Book and do the steps in some form or other – but they do not do what I do so I should just stay out of it.

And that’s what I said. “Never mind.”

I was taught that you have to find out exactly what you are in order to be able to stay sober for a long period – you have to know in the depths of your being. You have to fully concede to your inner most self, otherwise the process is based on a lie. This is why the book takes 4 chapters to help you figure it out – what you are.

My BFF knows he is alcoholic. He did not need people in AA to help him figure it out – but he is not really even in AA – and honestly – he has not fully conceded to his inner most self that he is Alcoholic because he does not follow the traditions and he is a “member” of this fake group…

Why is he even my BFF? Mainly because we like each other – and what he does is so different from what I do that it seems to work as long as I mind my own business and trust God.

No one in that place wants to do rigorous work that I do…even my BFF – I hope he can stay sober on what he did because I could not – this is all in God’s hands – there is nothing I can do about this – except stay the fuck far away from it – and that’s what I am doing.

We went to a BBQ at this fellowships member’s house today – that happens every Sunday. I hated it – and BFF liked it. He asked me if I liked it and I said “it’s was ok” – he said “that’s a yes or no question”. I said “I don’t have a yes or a no for you- it was ok”. I would give it a few more chances before I write it off completely … but it’s unlikely I will like it. Mainly because it is a social gathering – that’s all. No one is really talking to each other about the steps or new people they are helping or new ways to try to help others – I don’t know what they are really talking about – social stuff.

It’s a temperance movement, they are doing there, I think. Something – but it’s not AA. It’s a group of people who don’t use mind and mood altering substances anymore who use some version of the book to get that done and then they socialize together and bring in new people…

I need to STAY AWAY from it. The sad thing is that people believe that is AA and I guess that is what AA is to some people – them and what AA is to me is going to die with me and I hope that I can spread it around to a few others…

When Mr. Guru dies, then what happens? That’s what we shall find out one day – since he is 80 years old. My Guru sponsor died at 77 and over a 12 year period, his group was taken over by a wannabe guru who talked like him and referred to him all the time, and eventually the group flew apart and splintered into a million pieces –

The thing is – Alcoholism is a live and well. Alcoholics are VERY sick people. Masters of self-deception and rationalization – and we only care about instant gratification – thinking that we all could just be dead tomorrow so nothing that we do really matters anyway – aint it grand the wind stopped blowing?

We don’t think about what we are leaving for the next generations and we honestly do not care as long as we are having fun now…

And that’s the way it is.