I Do Not Get It, Part 2

After 10th stepping this with others today, I decided to discuss this with my BFF. I just said to him – “our ways of doing the 12 steps and sponsoring others is just so vastly different that I don’t think we can compare the two ways at all, in any form or fashion, but I think it is interesting to discuss our points of view, but we will both have to keep an open mind, always remembering how vastly different we are.”

Then, I said “I was taught to assume that the person coming to me for help has not yet conceded to their innermost self that they are alcoholic – they may have admitted that they are alcoholic, but they are not yet fully aware of what it truly means to be alcoholic and they have not yet let it in that if they are alcoholic then they have to do every single thing that the program asks. I think when people come in, myself included, and maybe even you, we are still deciding what, of the things we are instructed to do, that we actually have to do and what we can get away with not doing…”

“Then, once I fully conceded to my innermost self that I have the strange mental blank spot – and that was a spiritual experience for me, then from that day forward I have not missed one single commitment due to being too tired or the weather being too bad, or me just not wanting to go – I always go – because I know in my innermost soul that I am one of the ones that does not have a choice about drinking, and if I ever slip up on my commitments then I am becoming susceptable to drinking again, and I never want to drink again.”

And he said “and you went to our group that day to make sure no newcomers showed up, that day that I had a key and you didn’t – and I didn’t go but you did.”

I didn’t say anything to that. I neither endorsed or opposed his cause. I simply told my story and did not affirm or deny what he said, but I did hear him and now I know that I am 12-stepping him.

This is the 2nd time in a matter of weeks that he has compared my program to his program and he has acknowledged that my program is stronger than his.

But, I cannot say anything – he will come to this on his own. We are in competition with each other – as alcoholics – you might have noticed. We are constantly one up or one down from each other. I am his life-partner and I am not going to ruin this later opportunity just to get my jollies to gloat that my sponsor was way better and more on track then Mr. Guru could ever hope to be.

Nope.

I will just let him notice these things and one day, God will bring him a real sponsor who can really help him, and he might be open to it, if I will simply keep my mouth shut now… and my “humility” in this matter will pay off. I put “humility” in quotes because I am not really humble. I know damn well that I work the AA recovery program that is outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, and his sponsor is simply a celebrity and their program is the “looking good, easier-softer-middle-of-the-road program for everyone” – and it won’t last against the test of time.

What I am is really a self-seeker – because I want this guy to stay sober so I can be with him through his life, because I really like him – in fact – I love him. So those are my motives and I am willing to feign humility to get my way – it’s enlightened self-interest – because he will ultimately be helped – but no, I am not humble.