I am an alcoholic and my partner is an alcoholic. His program is totally different than mine. Sometimes it is just a shit show between us.
“[Principle] You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. [Principle] Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile (not sarcastically) and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.” If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention. (or not, he may be in his will).
Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. [Principle] Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the habits of years. [Principle] Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords. [Principle] Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. [Principle] Live and let live is the rule. [Principle] If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.
We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development. [Principle] Be patient.
[Principle] Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. [Principle] At such moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a spiritual experience. Without you he would have gone to pieces long ago. [Principle] When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.”
This morning, for example – my partner had asked me, last night if I wanted to go to the mountains with him. I have not been to the mountains since November – however I could not fall asleep last night so I did not wake up till 715am and he did not wake me up.
I need about 45 minutes to get ready. I have a meditation to do, I have to do my stretches for the sciatica, I have to have tea and I have to wash before I jump into my clothes. I am pretty low-maintenance but I still need that time.
I went and asked him when I should be ready to go and he said “it’s time to start getting ready” – but he did not give me a time. This is a big problem with us – he is on “his” schedule and he can never give me a time. I need a time. Had I gotten up when he did I would have had plenty of time but had I did not.
I went and did my meditation and then I did my exercises and then I went to make tea and he was already dressed. I said, “well I will be ready shortly”.
Then he started with his passive aggressive bullshit about how he didn’t want to wait around for me because he has to go to work and obviously it’s not important to me to go and yadda yadda yadda on and on and I finally decided NOPE NOT GOING.
This is hard for me – because I have it in my mind that this is what I am doing and then I have to change my mind because I realize that I do not want to be trapped in a car with a crazy asshole. It is not an emotional decision – so I have to – on the fly – assess reality – the reality that I see in front of me and make a decision, with God. God is the one showing me reality – not what I want to see not how I wish things were. God is the one who reminds me that the alcoholic IS a very sick person. We recover, we evolve spiritually but we are still and always will be, sick. I chose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, as an alcoholic, myself, and I am the one of the 2 of us who has who thinks I have the black belt in AA. I have 1 month shy of 30 years and he has 12 years – I am the one who rests on my laurels and thinks everything should be “fine” and am shocked when I have to work the steps – I must rise to practice these principles on a moments notice.
So, I told him I am not going. I told him I had wanted to go, but that I need 45 minutes, he did not wake me up, and so forget it. It’s not worth it to me to go under these conditions. Then I asked him if he would he like to pray? He agreed and so I prayed that he be safe on the roads and that I have a productive day – separately… I am writing inventory right now, and my goal is that I get to a point where, when this stuff comes up that I LOWER MY VOICE rather than RAISE IT. I naturally am LOUD and I have become a lot quieter but I want to get to where when these things come up that I whisper and am not sarcastic. This is a lofty goal but I would like to get there – maybe out of this inventory. God, will have to do this for me.
I just talked to my sponsee who is in amends. She told me her life is going GREAT and she has no thought of drinking, but she has not made any amends lately. She thinks things will always be great and there is nothing she has to do – It came to me to tell her that when the fishermen are not fishing, they are mending their nets. If they don’t mend their nets when they go back out to fish again the fish will swim through the holes. Same is true with our program – when everything seems to be going great, we must make sure that there is nothing undone in AA. AA and God, through AA is what gave us the life we have today and it is AA that we owe the time and maintenance to: nothing else.
Anonymous Alcoholics 