Dissecting “To Wives” Part 2

I missed a week, but I am going to dive into what we discussed this week now.

The first principle of success is that you should never be angry.

Although the Alanons usually have more power than we do, we can strive to do what they do. I have – and I can now do this with my BFF who is also an alcoholic. It simply is not going to work if I am angry AND now that God is God and my BFF is just the human I am choosing to spend my time with – I can do this. Yes I have had to recover and do a zillion 10th steps and and a bunch of inventory and pray and meditate regularly to get here – I can do this now – and I can do it in every situation.

Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.

Again – can you do this? Can you leave an unbearable situation temporarily and without rancor – Rancor means

this means – no calling all your friends and ripping your partner, friend, business partner, etc a new asshole – although you can 10th step, obviously, or write inventory and read it – but do not talk about it beyond that. Can you do this? This is a spiritual path.

Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero.

Can you do this? Can you do this about everything you think you know more about than so-and-so? Have you ever felt like you HAVE to tell so-and-so what they should do? You don’t. If you HAVE to tell them this-and-that – then you do not rely upon God – because now you are playing God. Every one of us is different. I had a moment tonight where I almost told BFF about his diet (again) – but I caught myself and did not say anything. It is simply none of my business what he eats – and how he feels. Him and His God will figure it out together. Recently I found out he has given up “artificial sweetners” MIRACLE! And it sure as shit didn’t come from me nagging him about it.

Be determined that your husband’s drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.

Alanon used to be about helping the family stay together – and it is possibly for a family to stay together whether the alcoholic quits drinking or not. All of us have our path and we all came into this situation for our own spiritual growth. The vows of marriage are not kidding when they say “In sickness and in health” – it’s not like they say “except for alcoholism”. My partnership is so much better now that I rely on God rather than on BFF. It is only that that makes me sane and it makes me sane in all areas of life as well – which as the whirled gets’ crazier – is more and more what is required.

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

This is the Alanon First Step and since Alanon and AA started together as one program and in some areas, like where I live, Alanon’s still use the Big Book in certain meetings, this chapter is one of hope. It is one of the 4 chapters on how to practice these principles in all of our affairs for us alcoholics.

Someone today in the workshop said he feels this chapter is dark – I have no idea what he was talking about and I look forward to finding out next week what he meant. For me, as I have said before, I have to suck the marrow out of every piece of AA literature to get everything I can out of it, because I have all 3 parts of the disease – the alcoholism of my own, I have the family disease, and I have the trauma from growing up in it.

Husbands 1, 2, and 3 can help you with sponsorship.

When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person, you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially.

Lying and hiding cause a lot of problems. Tell the truth but don’t gossip.

The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Unless they actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energies to promote a better understanding all around. Then that terrible tension which grips the home of every problem drinker will be lessened

However – now that you know he is sick you can explain this to the children so they can stay out of his way when he is drunk or dry. This principle can be applied to so many situations if you have a prayer life and are trying to grow spiritually.

Frequently, you have felt obliged to tell your husband’s employer and his friends that he was sick, when as a matter of fact he was tight. Avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know were he is and what he is doing. Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to be resentful about the last time he did so.

This is amazing advice that can be used in so many situations – if you have been lying for someone -just ask them when they are in good spirits what to do about this situation where you no longer want to lie for them and see what they say.

Just like – leave the drunk in the sprinklers or stop fixing things for your kids or your boss or your friends.

We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when lived on a spiritual plane. If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can solve your problems too. We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty. As our husbands began to apply spiritual principles in their lives, we began to see the desirability of doing so too.

See this is the first step for an Alanon – but it also is just showing us how we need to live – we are afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and self-centeredness and we need to find God and help others to get out of it.

At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought, on the whole, we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer if our husbands stopped drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try our program, for nothing will be so helpful to your husband as the radically changed attitude toward him which God will show you how to have. Go along with your husband if you possibly can.

This book is for everyone who suffers from alcoholism. It’s a silly idea that we are too good to need God, right? Everyone can put spiritual principles to work in their lives and then all our problems are solved.

If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink you are, of course, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be.

This is true with all relationships and situations – life, it turns out is, a mystery school. We have to continue to grow and life will continue to give us challenges with which to do that. That is the nature of living.

The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These work-outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.I

My partner and I went through a lot of growing to where where we are now. Our last huge brawl happened about a year ago maybe – when I first started doing serious trauma work – and I made a big mistake when I was disassociated – he didn’t like that “excuse” that I was “disassociated’ and he simply thought I was doing “it” to hurt him. We almost broke up over this – but when we finally talked about it – about 2 weeks later – when we were finally not angry after the horrible fight we had had at the time – we were sitting together trying to talk to each other and it was not working and I simply looked up to God as if He was sitting there with us as our Therapist and asked Him what we should do – and that worked – somehow suddenly everything was ok. That’s my message. Include God and that experience has changed us and made us much kinder to one another now – plus I have been doing my work to be present, embodied and dealing with the childhood crap.

Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and resentments.

Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband.

Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion.

Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.

See – these are principles and because I am the one with more time and a better program in my mind – I have to bear this responsibility. This practice has strengthened my relationship with God and grown me up so that I don’t act out anymore. It was only a few years ago that I was still a rager – and totally powerless over it. Finally, that has been removed because I wanted this to work bad enough to surrender.

You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.” If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention.

This is one of the most important paragraphs – imagine if you did this on social media? Imagine if you did this with your kids? Your relationships? Imagine if you waited until you were detached and calm before talking to others?

Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the habits of years.

Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords.

Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.

Be the change you want to see in the world. 3 fingers pointing back at me. This IS practicing these principles in all our affairs.. Imagine doing this on the road behind the wheel.

We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development.

Be patient.

How is your patience?