Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.
What is intensive work? Sitting down face to face and going through the Big Book and doing what it says to do – as well as helping them move, and all the other things you can do with them…
It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.
Oh yea – I forgot.
Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends – this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
It was.
Perhaps you are not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. You can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals.
This is unlikely to work anymore, unless you are in a small town.
They will be only too glad to assist you. Don’t start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics. So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.
But if I was going to do this, I would just be reaching out humbly to see if they had any in their congregation and then I would definitely only be talking to ministers – definitely not to doctors.
When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him.
Are you on medication?
Oh you are? I am so sorry, I can’t help you as I have no experience with this.
Do you have a therapist?
Oh you do? I am so sorry, I don’t work with alcoholics who are in therapy but please let me know if you would like to work together when you are done with your therapy.
Are you married?
Is your spouse in Alanon? No? Ok well, I would be happy to introduce him to Alanon.
Divorced? Do you have kids? Are you living in a home? Are you on paper with the courts? Are they requiring court appointed therapy? If so, I can work with you after you get done with the therapy, but not during.
If he does not want to stop drinking, don’t waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person.
And this goes to with anything else – for example – if she wants a taxi driver to take her to the detox and is not willing to call 911 – but says she will have a seizure if she tries to stop on her own – wanting you to “help” her – NO should be the answer. She is not willing to go to any length for victory over alcohol. (I just had a drunk lady phone conversation on Sunday in which she wanted me to come talk to her because she was old and in a wheel chair, but she was already half in the bag…)
If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him – usually his wife.
This would be great, if we could gain access to this person – but usually these days we cannot.
Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.
But you can get this information from your interview with the alcoholic. The most recent case I worked with – was an ex Christian cult member – that played into the scenario as well. I had found someone else in the fellowship for her to talk to, who had been a member of that cult and I told her – there are going to be times when I tell you that I want you to call “Jim” – and you have to be willing to do so because I cannot relate to this layer of your story.
She was not willing to call him this week, although she had gone through the big book with a fine tooth comb and was telling me how everything in the big book comes from the bible.
(This is simply not true). The Big Book has general spiritual concepts in it which are similar to all religions. Bill W. the main author of the Big Book was very non-religious. Dr. Bob, on the other hand, was a midwestern Christian. But the Big Book is generic when it comes to spiritual principles.
Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it. Don’t deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help.
I only talk to them when they have a few drinks in them at best – remember when Ebby talked to Bill – Bill was half in the bag. Bill went out on a bender for 2 weeks before landing in Towns Hospital for the last time.
Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval. Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so. If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you.
If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him. Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see it in the interval. Here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things. But urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.
Usually the family should not try to tell your story. When possible, avoid meeting a man through his family.
This seems like the opposite of what they just said – but it is probably better because then the alcoholic could be suspicious.
Approach through a doctor or an institution is a better bet. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he is violent. Let the doctor, if he will, tell him he has something in the way of a solution.
At this point, we kind of have to have them detoxed if they might seize – although the formula for detoxing someone is 1 oz of alcohol every 4 hours for 24 hours – and that should work to keep the seizure off of them – but that is not a guarantee since I know someone who seized 5 days after leaving detox.
When your man is better, the doctor might suggest a visit from you. Though you have talked with the family, leave them out of the first discussion. Under these conditions your prospect will see he is under no pressure. He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Call on him while he is still jittery. He may be more receptive when depressed.
Meaning, before the ego has rebuilt itself.
See your man alone, if possible. At first engage in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself.
Alcoholics generally like to one-up you on your stories.
If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicative, give him a sketch of your drinking career up to the time you quit. But say nothing, for the moment, of how that was accomplished.
These days it will be unusual for you to talk to someone who does not know you are in AA… unless you are in a rural town.
If he is in a serious mood dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you, being careful not to moralize or lecture. If his mood is light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. Get him to tell some of his.
Again, the alcoholic will want to one up you which will ensnare him in the trap of being a real alcoholic.
When he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic.
Tell him how baffled you were, how you finally learned that you were sick. Give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree.
Here is where it is good to have a few stories on hand – several which delineate the allergy and several which show the blank spot – clearly and specifically.
We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with some of his own.
Again this will ensnare him without realizing it.
If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady. Show him, from your own experience, how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power.
See how it doesn’t say it’s a “disease”? Alcoholism is a disease is from the medical community – and it’s what allows them to prescribe dope. Alcoholism, according to AA is an illness and a malady. What’s the difference?
Disease: a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or developmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorable environmental factors
Malady: any disorder of the body, especially one that is chronic or deepseated.
Illness: poor health; sickness:
Don’t, at this stage, refer to this book, unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it.
And be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic.
Yes NEVER DO THIS.
Let him draw his own conclusion. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him that possibly he can – if he is not too alcoholic. But insist that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself.
Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it.
The allergy and the blank spot and the bedevilments
Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Doctors are rightly loath to tell alcoholic patients the whole story unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution.
Doctors these days will likely give an alcoholic “medication” for it or say it’s a symptom of depression or some other lie.
You will soon have your friend admitting he has many, if not all, of the traits of the alcoholic. If his own doctor is willing to tell him that he is alcoholic, so much the better. Even though your protégé may not have entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got well.
Protege suggests a mentor:
And what is the roll of a Mentor?
a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
an influential senior sponsor or supporter.
So what is the roll of a protege?
independent, pupil
Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God.
If the protege be an ex-Christian Cult member – also let her know that it this has nothing to do with the spiritual experience in AA.
He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.
When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don’t raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.
Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient.
To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.
Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.
Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, (step 4)
how you straightened out your past (steps 5-11) and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him (step 12). It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties.
And, I am under no obligation to her. If she moves out of being my protege and starts to try to run the show – and tell me how to act and what she wants from me – that is a breaking of the contract.
Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own.
Even in 2024. Are we doing that?
Make it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn’t see you again if he doesn’t want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good.
The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions.
And she needs to remain feeling hopeless until she finishes the steps. She must remain teachable and humble.
Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program.
Afterall, she is on anti-depresents.
He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action. On your first visit tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book.
Get her to buy a copy of this book – so that she has something invested.
Unless your friend wants to talk further about himself, do not wear out your welcome. Give him a chance to think it over.
If you do stay, let him steer the conversation in any direction he likes. Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once. And you may be tempted to let him do so. This is sometimes a mistake. If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed him.
I like what my friend Steve suggested – tell them to call you every day for 30 days to see if they are serious. Then you can get started meeting in person.
Meet in a place where she has to travel to so that she is making an effort to be there.
Also – no other spiritual literature while you go through the steps and please no relationships and no major decisions.
You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for crusade or reform.
We are not a temperance movement.
Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop;
She was talking down to me from a moral and spiritual hilltop
simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you.
She can do them if she wants but if she doesn’t want to then we are not working together.
Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.
Well – what is friendship? It says companionship – yes – however I am not your “buddy” until long after you are through the steps. As a mentor I must always maintain that upper hand.
If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more.
Ok this is where the gems are – She is not interested in my solution – she told me she “needs to be heard, needs me to let her do the assignment the way she wants to do it” – that is not my solution – the solution I have is rigorous and requires that she remain the protege and me be the mentor throughout. It requires that she take direction. She was not willing to.
If she expects me to act only as a banker for her financial difficulties – meaning that I am going to fill in the blanks for her to make her life easier so she can keep running and gunning telling her what she wants to here– no.
Or a nurse for her sprees – meaning – that she expects me to just make her feel better or go along with her ideas and her solutions. no.
I need to drop her till she gets hurt some more.
If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval.
Well we can’t read the book by ourselves anymore – but I can recommend she read the stories in the back.
After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.
If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that.
If she wants to do it her way – now she wants to go to church because she had some emotionality on Easter when she went to church with her AA friends – and she wants to talk about Jesus – I say go ahead. She thinks she knows how the job should be done – I say follow your own conscience. I merely have an approach that worked for me.
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again.
I always do this – I go to meetings – and look for alcoholics who want to recover but the way I do it usually is too rigorous for most alcoholics.
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer.
Not today in 2024.
We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself.
That’s the plan and besides she was still talking to her old sponsor – the one who moved away.
To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
Suppose now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else.
He may be broke and homeless. If he is, you might try to help him about getting a job, or give him a little financial assistance.
My sponsor did this for me after I took his direction.
But you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have. Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few days.
My sponsor did this for me also
But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter. Permit that and you only harm him. You will be making it possible for him to be insincere.
I did this by agreeing to work with her when I found out she was on medication. From now on – I pray – that I will ask right away and even if I forget – when I find out – and they say they are – I will apologize and say – I am so sorry – I don’t have this experience so I cannot sponsor you but I am happy to be your AA friend.
You may be aiding in his destruction rather than his recovery.
I was – because I loaned her my credibility –
Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights’ sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance. Occasionally you will have to meet such conditions.
My problem lies mainly in my being a child of alcoholics and being caught off guard and not knowing what to say when caught off guard. These are issues which have to do with childhood trauma and show me I have more work to do.
We seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It is not good for him, and it sometimes creates serious complications in a family.
Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much better chance that the head of the family will recover. And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable.
I have seen this work time and time again and the fact that we no longer do this is unfortunate. Besides the fact that Alanon is almost completely dead in many places and is online in a lot of areas.
For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is needed or wanted.
I have seen this – they do everything that is asked of them and they even show up and ask for more to do. It is so rare and refreshing.
The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track.
Or the alcoholics who cry for things to be done their way or for a buddy and a friend who is their equal – I am the Mentor – you are the protege – you do not have what I want.
Yet we do go to great extremes to provide each other with these very things, when such action is warranted. This may seem inconsistent, but we think it is not.
It is on a case-by-case basis and can be understood only by someone who can feel the spirit of the person and how they behave.
It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job – wife or no wife – we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
In this case – the minute we are there to serve the alcoholic – for example – I am there as her “ear” to be “heard” the way she wants me to be there – the medicated alcoholic is already relying on a human power – and so when the ego has rebuilt itself – she is not in the least bit interested in hearing something that she doesn’t want to hear. So she is relying on other people and upon emotionality rather than upon God.
She wants her emotional needs cared for – Nonsense. I am here as a Mentor – and that makes you the protege – and you demanding that I be your buddy right now – is wrong. As my sponsor from Temecula, CA used to say – Good luck – I have a black dress.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.
Anonymous Alcoholics 