My Will & Surrender

Disclaimer – I write this blog for myself since I have no fellowship of equals anymore who do what I do. I write this blog to help me figure things out that I can’t figure out that I need to figure out. Take what you like and leave the rest.

This post is for people with long-term sobriety who have struggled with long-term self-will problems. I have a few of these that I have been struggling with for years. These are things that would help me – that I just cannot seem to get over my will to do. My will is to not do these things. It seems that it should be or is, God’s will for me to do them and yet I don’t get the Power until I get the power, and sometimes that can be years.

I will name a few of them.
1.Walking – or some form of exercise. – I do exercise sporadically.now hoping that I will do it continuously. I need to do continuous exercise for my gut, for lymphatic drainage, for circulation at age 62 – duh!!!
2 Doing my volunteer work – which is Energy Healing for non-paying customers. I procrastinate till late at night every time I have to do it, weekly and have been for now 2 years.
3 Not yelling at my mentally ill AA friend (who recently passed away). I was never able to stop doing this.
4 Black-out rages. I was able to give up black-out rages when I met my husband, but I was not able to do this when I lived with my mentally ill friend.
5 Being late to work. I was finally able to do this after I wrote a ton of inventory and recognized that I resented having to spend 8 hours doing something I did not want to do, just for a paycheck.
6 Not doing a Qi-Gong practice which I paid a lot of money for the DVDs and then did not do. I am now finally able to do this because God told me, when William died that I owed him an amend for not surrendering the black-out rages for him – but was able to surrender for my husband, showing me that William was not “worth-it” to me the way my husband is.
7 Staying up late, past the time of being tired. I am up late right now. I watched a bunch of re-runs of shows and now I am writing this post at 1230am
8 Cleaning – organizing regularly – continuously vs. suddenly realizing that things are gross and cleaning the whole house at once and then not cleaning it again for months until it is filthy again. I have never been able to do this and I have pretty much given up hope on this one. Both my husband and I are slobs and I have just accepted that although I hate it.

Most recently, I am now able to do the meditation practice ONLY BECAUSE God told me I owed William an amend and the amend was going to be that I now do Qi-Gong every day. This is such a bizarre thing that I have to write about it. Several years ago, I studied this meditation practice – I read this book by the teacher which was totally inspiring – and bought a set of DVD’s that were not cheap by the teacher. I started doing the practice and loved it and then I stopped doing it after about 2 months and refused to do it for a year. I prayed and begged to do it but got no Power to do it.

Then, my friend died -and God told me that I owed the amend – and I had a little fit about it and then I simply surrendered and have been doing it for several weeks. I love doing it and yet I resist doing it every day almost – like I put it off till the last minute – I am not yet doing it first thing in the morning. I am not yet going to bed early every night so that I can get up early every morning to do it first thing. This is what I would like to be doing, but I would have to change so much to be like this that don’t know if this will ever happen.

Astrologically I have seen that I detest structure and discipline – and I am alcoholic – it’s an uphill battle.

During this past year that I was not doing it, I wanted to do it. I really wanted to do it. It is likely that only alcoholics will understand what I am saying here – I have heard a few people with long-term sobriety vaguely admit to this willfulness but not lately – NO ONE admits to this stuff nowadays. I remember an old friend of mine who no longer goes to meetings told me years ago that he has a “willful child” inside of him that does what it wants and he is at it’s mercy. At that time, I didn’t really understand what he meant, but now I do.

I try different things now that the fellowship is completely dead – first I tried colloidal gold – after I read the article about it and reposted it here. I still take colloidal gold every day and I make it and it helps me to think more clearly and to be able to read and concentrate and absorb knowledge so that I can apply it.

Recently, I discovered Tensor Rings – and now I am wearing a lot of copper which seems to have made it easier for me to clean and organize, as well as do my volunteer work, and now I am doing the Qi Gong practice. I have also been able to go to bed early a few nights in a row, with a few exceptions – such as tonight. The copper Tensor rings create a scalar field which disperses EMFs, clears chemtrails, but also seems to raise my frequency above my normal low-frequency negative alcoholicness. I include these documents below for anyone who is interested. I also think that the ACOA has a lot of effect here as well. I don’t think everyone in AA suffers from this but the people who are ACOAs are the ones who have this secondary willfulness to the Nth degree… I think it’s some twisted form of control that I adopted as a kid. It always reminds me of that line in the book about how God has to help me with “my” selfishness – otherwise “my” selfishness will kill me – yes – this is what it feels like.

In the old days when I had a fellowship of equals, I think we worked together and were accountable to each other – but that is totally gone where I live right now. I have a friend from my old homegroup who lives 2 hours from me in a small town and he has fellowship but I think that’s because for him meetings are 60 miles apart so the people in his town have the gift of desperation. For me there are 1500 mediocre meetings in the city I live in daily.

The thing that I find mystifying is that I was simply unable to give up black out rages until I met my husband and realized that he would never tolerate my black out rages and for him I was willing to give them up – with a lot of work of course, but it showed me that I am not who I think I am. I was not willing to give them up for William – my friend who was mentally ill – who I lived with as his caregiver for 5.5 years – and who really needed me to not go into black out rages since he had endured severe trauma – and yet I simply could not NOT rage. It is disgraceful but it shows me my extreme selfishness. I think of myself as recovered, but I am still a fucking alcoholic, selfish and self-centered in the extreme. And that’s what the amend is about – and that astonishes me as well – that I have actually been able to do the Qi-Gong practice for several weeks because God told me I owed William an amend – and I agreed that I do – and I am also grateful that I am able to do the Qi-Gong practice because I love it and it is going to open up all my psychic abilities so much more – and make me so much happier and more serene – but I was totally unable to do it before. That’s just baffling to me.

Something that is good for me, makes me feel good and has great effects – and I was simply UNABLE to do it -and had given up completely – just could not do it – and now I am doing it. Maybe because I cannot imagine saying NO to God – because if I said NO to God I could drink again – maybe that’s what it is – a life and death rock and a hard place willingness? I don’t know.

Other than tonight and another night this week – I have been going to bed pretty early lately – also – and I have been able to do my volunteer work in a timely manner. I attribute this directly to the copper. But again, I have been feeling so low because my opinion of myself has been diminished by the truth which is that I only took on the volunteer work to look good – it makes me feel good about myself when I offer the pro-bono work but then I HATE DOING IT – and I balk and stamp my feet and get distracted and all kinds of other things – and I only like to do the work that I do when I am getting paid for it – really shows me again that I am ego-driven and all about money and my pride and I haven’t changed that much – and it also feels like there is another spirit inside of me that is not me – and that only feels good when I am doing what I want to do. Admitting that, sucks at 34 years. I only like doing AA work for free – everything else I like to get paid.

This was not Chuck C’s attitude, for example in A New Pair of Glasses. Chuck C. was so grateful to God for sobriety that he did everything going forward “For Fun and For Free”. I think the defacto satanism of the times we are living in is rubbing off on me.

Today I also recognized that I do not have fear of financial insecurity anymore – but that’s because I started getting social security. I would like to think it is because I am “so connected to God” but that is simply bullshit. I look down my nose at other people in the Program who are so fearful of financial insecurity but I am the exact same way and being in business for myself – I could barely make big expenditures because I never was quite sure that I would get another batch of clients – now I know that check will be there the 3rd Wednesday – and that’s why I was able to spend a bunch of money unexpectedly at the thrift store today without having to rationalize it.

Yuck. Another weird thing I have noticed recently is that I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Meaning that – I can tell someone something – but then when they respond – I have to wait 24 hours to read their response because I am so afraid of what they are going to say – my sponsor told me this is because I think I have to be right – again another ACOA thing and I am sure it is true. It is so hard for me to neither endorse or oppose causes. But that is getting better and I am working hard on this.

I am also full of shit about how I think of myself as being able to stand up and speak my mind – that’s absolutely not true either. But that’s not what this post was about – the purpose of this post was to expose for myself, the fact that MY WILL stops me from doing things that I need to do for myself so that I will feel better in the long run and do better – and if “IT” wants control – it takes God to get me to do the thing – and some other tricks – like a scalar field – to get me over the hump but with God as the ultimate motivation – although with my husband – it was for sex, society and security – that’s why I did it back then -and I am very embarrassed to realize that and that is why I owe the amend to my friend –

Although I did a lot of good things for him – I also tortured him with my black-out rages that I simply could not or would not surrender until I found a reason to do so -which shows me that I am still “self will run riot, though I usually do not think so” and I am powerless over that. It also shows me how much I need God.